Who are you?

Lately God has been challenging to my core. Exposing ugly truths about myself and asking me hard questions. 

Why are you so bitter? 

Do you know me?

How big am I to you?

Why aren't you letting go?

Why aren't you obeying me?

Woah! Well, truthfully the questions aren't the hard part, it's the answering that comes as a heavy burden. I wouldn't even know where to begin, but thankfully God is so gracious and He is gently guiding me down this rough road of answers. Holding my hand and lifting me through all the pot holes. Ironically (not really, lol) last weeks' sermon was focused on "Who is God the Father" Well if that wasn't a hello and listen up message, I don't know what is :)

One verse that stuck with me was:

Deuteronomy 1:30-32

The Lord your God who goes before you will Himself fight on your behalf, just as he did for you in Egypt before your eyes, and in the wilderness where you saw how The Lord your God carried you, just as a man carries his son, in all the ways which you have walked until you came to this place. 

{In the next couple verses it talks about what happens when you don't trust God to lead and carry you. Which is scary to think about and I am humbled at the opportunity at hand to turn from my ways and walk down this road, hand-in-hand.}

The other cool thing God has revealed about himself was this morning as I was reading, God Calling:

See the Father

“Lord, show us the Father, and it is sufficient for us.”

(John 14:8 NKJV)

My children, I have been with you so long, spending time with you and speaking to you. How can it be that you have not known the Father?

Your Father is the God and Controller of a mighty universe. But He is the same as I am (John 10:30). All the love and the strength and the beauty you have seen in Me are in My Father.

If you see that, and know Him and Me as we really are, then that is sufficient for you—is truly enough for you—completes your life—satisfies you—is all you need.

See the Father, see Me, and it is sufficient for you. This is love in abundance. Joy in abundance. All you need.

How stinkin cool, eh? I think so!! Perhaps answering these questions won't be as hard as I imagined after all.. I guess only time will tell ;)

It's time for me to shut my eyes for the night. God gave me this beautiful view to gaze upon before its off to dream land for me. Pictures of my hubby and a sweet reminder of my mom. 

Night. 

Gently Stitched Together

Bright, dark, pastel, neutral—most quilts have an array of colors, yet as I set my eyes on the ensemble at hand, rarely do I stop… to think about the hours, the days, consumed by this beautifully detailed product. How each square was first designed then stitched together to another square with a different design. Two squares fitting together perfectly in size and design. We as humans can create these masterpiece quilts. We spend countless hours designing them and choosing the perfect colors, fabric, and thread. Yet, our attempts to create this perfect piece seem futile as we think about the masterpiece that God has designed and is still designing in us. How He is slowly stitching us together...square by square. Jeremiah says that God knew us before we were born, before we were formed in our mother’s womb. His knowledge is incomprehensible and His design for our life is unimaginable. Lately, I have wondered why so many dark threads have been allowed on my life’s quilt. Why each new square seems darker than the last. As I prayed and pleaded about it and waited for a word from the Lord, He gave me this. “Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!” ~Matthew 7:9-11

I am confident that these dark threads on my quilt are not bad, but they are teaching me, forming me, feeding me, showing me how to trust in the Lord and to not lean on my own understanding. He causes all things to happen for good, for His good. Knowing that my heart can rest in Him allows me to keep persevering through the dark times. These dark squares are essential to create the perfectly designed quilt, and one day when I meet Jesus I know I will be able to see the masterpiece He designed just for me.

As will you!

“For you formed my inward parts; you wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are your works and my soul knows it very well.”

~Psalm 139:13

Here are some random pics that make my heart happy :-)

                                                               God painting the sky

                                                                 His light shines bright!

 

Losi is helping with dishes

                                                                  I made him :-) lol

                                                                Visiting Mom's grave site

                                                                    Fun Trip in Bend

Is God still bigger than cancer when the disease has seemingly won?

“To grunt and sweat under a weary life, but that the dread of something after death, the undiscover’d country from whose bourn no traveler returns, puzzles the will and makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others that we know not of.” – Shakespeare

The thought of the one who travels the undiscover’d country that Shakespeare speaks of makes one unsettled and unable to answer, with confidence, the question asked. However, as I watched my sweet mother lose her battle to cancer last night one thing has become clear to me. That, even though it may seem like cancer has claimed its victory on my mother’s body, death turns out to be a mere emissary of Christ. As believers in Christ Jesus we have the guidance of one who has traveled the undiscover’d country and RETURNED—conquering death. What joy and peace we may possess knowing when that day comes we will be met by the One who is versed on that well-trodden road.

1Corithinas 15:54-57 says, “But when this perishable will have put on the imperishable, and this mortal will have put on immorality, then will come about the saying that is written, ‘Death is swallowed up in victory, O Death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?’ The sting of death is sin, and the poser of sin is the law; but thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”

Even though peace and joy fill my soul, I know that sorrow will be my friend for a while as I will mourn her warm embrace, radiant smile, kisses, curly strawberry blonde hair,  joyful laughter, and words of wisdom: love, comfort, and encouragement. She will always be my best friend and I will always strive to be what she prayed I’d be. I will love you forever sweet mother and miss you, every single day.

For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but the things that are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

-2 Corinthians 4:17-18 

Update

Here are some updated pics of my sweet mother!! Her hair is growing back!! Her doctors are keeping a close eye on her because some cells may have been left behind during surgery. She has her next appointment on August 20th and we are praying for good results!! Love to all who have prayed for her and thank you so much!

Comfort in suffering

The picture above was take at St. Charles Cancer Center. My mom and I were watching Jack and Jill, funny movie! We are praying that this is her last chemo treatment! The Doctors are pretty certain, but we will know FOR SURE May 7th (Danny and I's 2yr anniversary :-) ) Surgery to remove her stomach should be set on that date too!

Comfort in Suffering

Last night Danny and I went to a bible study that we have been meaning to go to for a while, but our schedules just wouldn’t allow. Finally last night it worked out so we could go and I feel like it was a total God thing.The study was on 1 Peter 4, which is mostly about suffering.  

vs15- “Make sure that none of you suffers as a murderer, or thief, or evildoer, or a troublesome meddler; but if anyone suffers as a Christian, he is NOT TO BE ASHAMED, but is to GLORIFY GOD in this name.”

I remember when my mom was first diagnosed with Cancer, I was ashamed to admit I was suffering. I didn’t want people to think I was weak because by being weak, I felt like it would reflect negatively on Christ. I love how this verse totally crushed my theory! I should have never felt ashamed, but Glorified God in all of my sufferings, knowing that I am suffering in accordance to God’s will for my life and that I needed to TRUST that what He is doing is right.

vs19- “Therefore, those also who suffer according to the will of God shall ENTRUST their souls to a FAITHFUL Creator in doing what is right.

When I awoke this morning I could not shake this sadness in my heart. I tried listening to some worship songs, clean the house to occupy my mind, but nothing would suppress the feeling. My mind just wouldn’t stop and it almost seemed as though, subconsciously, I wanted to be sad. Not only was my mom heavily on my heart, but all my past regrets and failures. I knew I had to immediately stop what I was doing and dive into God’s word. I quickly made myself some food (to keep my mind from wondering so much) and sat down to open God’s word.

I feel like I need to put a disclaimer here before I go on because I have done this many times in a desperate attempt to hear from God, but this is one of the few times He actually gave me specific scripture to read. I think it is so beautiful that God picks specific times in our life when He speaks so LOUDLY to us that we HAVE to listen! This morning was one of those times..

Before I opened the Bible I prayed for God to give me something relevant to read, relevant to my situation and how I was feeling.

I opened up to 2Corinthians, which starts out with a greeting from Paul and then goes into comfort in suffering and being delivered from suffering… Coincident? I think not!

Vs4- “(God) who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.  5  For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ.

After reading these verses I began to feel very foolish for my morning wallowing. God promises that even though I may be suffering now, He is going to bring good from this! “…so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort which we ourselves are comforted by God”

Comfort from God is not an end in itself. Its purpose is that believers also might be comforters. Having humiliated and convicted the Corinthians, God uses Paul to return to them with a strengthening message after he himself had received divine strengthening.  –John MacArthur

All of us can have “divine strengthening” from the Lord. We just have to run TO Him instead of FROM Him. It’s so easy to blame Him for everything and be mad at God (I was for a while too) but it is SO MUCH EASIER to allow HIM to carry your burdens and receive the comfort and strength He WANTS to give to you.

I don’t remember who it was at the study last night who said this, but someone said something like, “it’s almost a blessing to be enduring trials.” I believe this is so true. God is shaping us to be more like Him and if we never suffer how can we relate to Him? I mean He paid the ultimate sacrifice...he suffered and died a horrific death, all so we could be saved!

As I pray daily that God will TAKE AWAY this cancer from my mom and that her surgery will make her CANCER FREE, I also pray that He gives me the strength to seek Him during this trial, so that I can receive His comfort and also give comfort to others during their time of suffering as well.

My mom modeling her new hair cut..looking mighty adorable, I must say!!

Over two years without a baby...instead we have CLARITY!

'But now O lord you are our Father, we are the clay, and You our Potter. And all of us are the work of your hands.'
~Isaiah 64:8

My perfect self, built with my own perfect hands, and influenced by my perfect little world. I loved my life, every piece of it. I loved telling God which areas He may have control over and which areas I was more capable of controlling myself. It was a neat little "deal" that God and I had and I was sure He thought so too. As I continued to pursue this self-centered relationship with the Lord, He opened my eyes to a few verses.

"Elijah came near to all the people and said, 'How long will you hesitate between two opinions? If the Lord is God follow Him; but if baal, follow him.' But the people did not answer him a word."
-1 Kings 18:21

"And He summoned the crowd with His disciples, and said to them, 'If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it.'"   
-Mark 8:34-35  

Hmmm.. Initially I was a little resistant because I feared giving God complete control over things I felt I NEEDED to control {my idols}. At the same time, I realized that this is a commandment from Jesus and if I wanted to obey Him I needed to allow Him authority over my ENTIRE life. I had no idea what that even entailed, but I prayed that Jesus would take hold of my clenched tight reigns and begin to lead me. He must have decided that this was better than my first idea because He, The Great Potter, allowed me to fall flat on my face and be smashed down like a paper-thin pancake. Which, leads me to believe that in order for Him to reform me He must first break me, and that is exactly what He did.

During the last four years of reformation God has allowed heartache to touch my life in a way I never thought possible. I watched my precious niece go to be with Jesus, walked alongside my mother through her fight against cancer, and spent countless nights pleading, in tears, for the Lord to send us His baby. Bending, breaking, molding, slowly He peeled away that control I desired to have, diminished any pride I felt entitled to, and left me utterly vulnerable. Yet, as I was, naked in my brokenness and in the midst of tragedy, the Lord mercifully allowed joy {joy beyond belief} to fill my heart almost daily during the last couple years. Discovering joy in this stormy season of life has been crucial to my quality of existence. I was able to see through the fog most days and I KNEW that God was breaking in order to create a stronger understanding of who He is. Also, so that he may place me on a firm {unbreakable} foundation.

'Joy is not the absence of suffering. It is the presence of God.'
~Janet Erskin Stewart

.

'And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that the tribulations brings about perseverance, and perseverance, proven character, and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.'
-Romans 5:3-4

I absolutely love the foundation the Lord has placed me on and how He is molding me, teaching me who I am in Him, and all the undeserved clarity He is giving me through this beautiful journey. Just a few weeks ago God revealed to me the reason why He has been protecting Danny and I over these last couple years. As we pursued several different fertility treatments, it became more and more apparent that the Lord was not ready to give us His baby. However, we waited at least two full years for Him to tell us why. My mother is beginning to lose her battle against this awful cancer and is humbly depending on me to care for her. Even with the tremendous amount of support I am receiving from my family during this time, I have become the main caregiver for my mother. It has truly been such a blessing to me that God has allowed me the opportunity to take care of her. He lovingly placed a wedge of protection over my body, so that I could serve my mother and try to give back to her half of the care she has given to me during my life. What an amazing God we serve. He by no means needed to reveal the reason why a baby has been withheld from Danny and I thus far, but in His mercy, He did.

'And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those we are called according to His purpose.'
-Romans 8:28

I encourage you all to seek the Lord with all of your heart, with all of your soul, and with all of your strength..see where He leads you.

Blessed on this beautiful journey.

God's Faithfulness

“This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed NEVER cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; GREAT is your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portions,’ says my soul, therefore I have hope in Him.”

 -Lamentations 3:21-24

Should we continue with the fertility treatments? Am I getting in the way of God’s plan for us? Do I trust God is big enough to overcome my fears? Is this desire, to have a baby, my idol? What should I do?

What should I do? After four failed IUI’s, three months of clomid, hours upon hours of pleading to God, He finally answered with, “Keep going.” Now, I wasn’t completely convinced of this until one morning during discipleship class our leader said, “When you hit a road block and don’t know which way to go…pray and keep going.” How relevant to my exact situation, I knew it was from God.

So what did "keep going" entail? Well, we had three options; In Vitro (not sure this was even an option since we could NOT afford it), surgery to check for endometriosis, or take a few months off and see if we got pregnant on our own. After Danny and I prayed and talked, we thought it would be best to go ahead with the surgery. I met with the doctor for my pre surgery appointment and she explained what she would be doing, showed me some pictures of what endometriosis looks like (I opted out of a video of the procedure as I probably would have chickened out had I seen what she would be doing, lol), and assured me that IF I had endometriosis it would NOT be as bad as the last few pictures she showed that were at stages four and five. So, after our little pow-wow I am feeling pretty confident and ready for surgery :-)

Surgery day approached quickly and after what seemed like a very peaceful nap (the anesthesia), I woke to some interesting news. The doctor explained to Danny that she found stage 4 (almost 5) endometriosis, which had completely stopped the function of one ovary and limited the other. There was scar tissue EVERYWHERE and it was way worse than she anticipated!! I can imagine his heart just falling to the floor at that very moment as his dreams of seeing his own seed grow up seemed to be brutally crushed. 

Except, she continued on and gave him the best news one could ever hope for..because of the surgery our chances of having a baby NATURALLY just increased by 40%!! AHHHHH!!! AMEN! Instead of having a 20-30% chance we now have a 60-70%!

PURE JOY!!  Its comforting to know that GOD was closing my womb for the past 2.5 years and for a specific reason. I don’t know the reason (totally fine with that) or exactly when He will give us His baby, but I DO know that He has allowed a clear passage way now and when the timing is just perfect we will accept His blessing with grateful hearts!

“O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt You, I will give thanks to your name; For you have worked wonders, plans formed long ago, with perfect faithfulness.”

 -Isaiah 25:1

I want you all to know how faithful God is- His plans are unimaginable for us! Life is not easy, He never promised it would be, in fact, He has warned us of trials to come, so that we may guard our hearts and daily seek the true comforter of peace, Jesus Christ.

“For I know the plans that I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord..

-Jeremiah 29:11-14

“Do not be afraid of sudden fear nor of the onslaught of the wicked when it comes; for the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being caught.”

Proverbs 3:25-26

 We will continue to patiently wait upon the Lord!