~Isaiah 64:8
My perfect self, built with my own perfect hands, and influenced by my perfect little world. I loved my life, every piece of it. I loved telling God which areas He may have control over and which areas I was more capable of controlling myself. It was a neat little "deal" that God and I had and I was sure He thought so too. As I continued to pursue this self-centered relationship with the Lord, He opened my eyes to a few verses.
"Elijah came near to all the people and said, 'How long will you hesitate between two opinions? If the Lord is God follow Him; but if baal, follow him.' But the people did not answer him a word."
-1 Kings 18:21
"And He summoned the crowd with His disciples, and said to them, 'If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it.'"
-Mark 8:34-35
Hmmm.. Initially I was a little resistant because I feared giving God complete control over things I felt I NEEDED to control {my idols}. At the same time, I realized that this is a commandment from Jesus and if I wanted to obey Him I needed to allow Him authority over my ENTIRE life. I had no idea what that even entailed, but I prayed that Jesus would take hold of my clenched tight reigns and begin to lead me. He must have decided that this was better than my first idea because He, The Great Potter, allowed me to fall flat on my face and be smashed down like a paper-thin pancake. Which, leads me to believe that in order for Him to reform me He must first break me, and that is exactly what He did.
During the last four years of reformation God has allowed heartache to touch my life in a way I never thought possible. I watched my precious niece go to be with Jesus, walked alongside my mother through her fight against cancer, and spent countless nights pleading, in tears, for the Lord to send us His baby. Bending, breaking, molding, slowly He peeled away that control I desired to have, diminished any pride I felt entitled to, and left me utterly vulnerable. Yet, as I was, naked in my brokenness and in the midst of tragedy, the Lord mercifully allowed joy {joy beyond belief} to fill my heart almost daily during the last couple years. Discovering joy in this stormy season of life has been crucial to my quality of existence. I was able to see through the fog most days and I KNEW that God was breaking in order to create a stronger understanding of who He is. Also, so that he may place me on a firm {unbreakable} foundation.
'Joy is not the absence of suffering. It is the presence of God.'
~Janet Erskin Stewart
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'And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that the tribulations brings about perseverance, and perseverance, proven character, and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.'
-Romans 5:3-4
I absolutely love the foundation the Lord has placed me on and how He is molding me, teaching me who I am in Him, and all the undeserved clarity He is giving me through this beautiful journey. Just a few weeks ago God revealed to me the reason why He has been protecting Danny and I over these last couple years. As we pursued several different fertility treatments, it became more and more apparent that the Lord was not ready to give us His baby. However, we waited at least two full years for Him to tell us why. My mother is beginning to lose her battle against this awful cancer and is humbly depending on me to care for her. Even with the tremendous amount of support I am receiving from my family during this time, I have become the main caregiver for my mother. It has truly been such a blessing to me that God has allowed me the opportunity to take care of her. He lovingly placed a wedge of protection over my body, so that I could serve my mother and try to give back to her half of the care she has given to me during my life. What an amazing God we serve. He by no means needed to reveal the reason why a baby has been withheld from Danny and I thus far, but in His mercy, He did.
'And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those we are called according to His purpose.'
-Romans 8:28
I encourage you all to seek the Lord with all of your heart, with all of your soul, and with all of your strength..see where He leads you.
Blessed on this beautiful journey.
