Over two years without a baby...instead we have CLARITY!

'But now O lord you are our Father, we are the clay, and You our Potter. And all of us are the work of your hands.'
~Isaiah 64:8

My perfect self, built with my own perfect hands, and influenced by my perfect little world. I loved my life, every piece of it. I loved telling God which areas He may have control over and which areas I was more capable of controlling myself. It was a neat little "deal" that God and I had and I was sure He thought so too. As I continued to pursue this self-centered relationship with the Lord, He opened my eyes to a few verses.

"Elijah came near to all the people and said, 'How long will you hesitate between two opinions? If the Lord is God follow Him; but if baal, follow him.' But the people did not answer him a word."
-1 Kings 18:21

"And He summoned the crowd with His disciples, and said to them, 'If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it.'"   
-Mark 8:34-35  

Hmmm.. Initially I was a little resistant because I feared giving God complete control over things I felt I NEEDED to control {my idols}. At the same time, I realized that this is a commandment from Jesus and if I wanted to obey Him I needed to allow Him authority over my ENTIRE life. I had no idea what that even entailed, but I prayed that Jesus would take hold of my clenched tight reigns and begin to lead me. He must have decided that this was better than my first idea because He, The Great Potter, allowed me to fall flat on my face and be smashed down like a paper-thin pancake. Which, leads me to believe that in order for Him to reform me He must first break me, and that is exactly what He did.

During the last four years of reformation God has allowed heartache to touch my life in a way I never thought possible. I watched my precious niece go to be with Jesus, walked alongside my mother through her fight against cancer, and spent countless nights pleading, in tears, for the Lord to send us His baby. Bending, breaking, molding, slowly He peeled away that control I desired to have, diminished any pride I felt entitled to, and left me utterly vulnerable. Yet, as I was, naked in my brokenness and in the midst of tragedy, the Lord mercifully allowed joy {joy beyond belief} to fill my heart almost daily during the last couple years. Discovering joy in this stormy season of life has been crucial to my quality of existence. I was able to see through the fog most days and I KNEW that God was breaking in order to create a stronger understanding of who He is. Also, so that he may place me on a firm {unbreakable} foundation.

'Joy is not the absence of suffering. It is the presence of God.'
~Janet Erskin Stewart

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'And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that the tribulations brings about perseverance, and perseverance, proven character, and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.'
-Romans 5:3-4

I absolutely love the foundation the Lord has placed me on and how He is molding me, teaching me who I am in Him, and all the undeserved clarity He is giving me through this beautiful journey. Just a few weeks ago God revealed to me the reason why He has been protecting Danny and I over these last couple years. As we pursued several different fertility treatments, it became more and more apparent that the Lord was not ready to give us His baby. However, we waited at least two full years for Him to tell us why. My mother is beginning to lose her battle against this awful cancer and is humbly depending on me to care for her. Even with the tremendous amount of support I am receiving from my family during this time, I have become the main caregiver for my mother. It has truly been such a blessing to me that God has allowed me the opportunity to take care of her. He lovingly placed a wedge of protection over my body, so that I could serve my mother and try to give back to her half of the care she has given to me during my life. What an amazing God we serve. He by no means needed to reveal the reason why a baby has been withheld from Danny and I thus far, but in His mercy, He did.

'And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those we are called according to His purpose.'
-Romans 8:28

I encourage you all to seek the Lord with all of your heart, with all of your soul, and with all of your strength..see where He leads you.

Blessed on this beautiful journey.

God's Faithfulness

“This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed NEVER cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; GREAT is your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portions,’ says my soul, therefore I have hope in Him.”

 -Lamentations 3:21-24

Should we continue with the fertility treatments? Am I getting in the way of God’s plan for us? Do I trust God is big enough to overcome my fears? Is this desire, to have a baby, my idol? What should I do?

What should I do? After four failed IUI’s, three months of clomid, hours upon hours of pleading to God, He finally answered with, “Keep going.” Now, I wasn’t completely convinced of this until one morning during discipleship class our leader said, “When you hit a road block and don’t know which way to go…pray and keep going.” How relevant to my exact situation, I knew it was from God.

So what did "keep going" entail? Well, we had three options; In Vitro (not sure this was even an option since we could NOT afford it), surgery to check for endometriosis, or take a few months off and see if we got pregnant on our own. After Danny and I prayed and talked, we thought it would be best to go ahead with the surgery. I met with the doctor for my pre surgery appointment and she explained what she would be doing, showed me some pictures of what endometriosis looks like (I opted out of a video of the procedure as I probably would have chickened out had I seen what she would be doing, lol), and assured me that IF I had endometriosis it would NOT be as bad as the last few pictures she showed that were at stages four and five. So, after our little pow-wow I am feeling pretty confident and ready for surgery :-)

Surgery day approached quickly and after what seemed like a very peaceful nap (the anesthesia), I woke to some interesting news. The doctor explained to Danny that she found stage 4 (almost 5) endometriosis, which had completely stopped the function of one ovary and limited the other. There was scar tissue EVERYWHERE and it was way worse than she anticipated!! I can imagine his heart just falling to the floor at that very moment as his dreams of seeing his own seed grow up seemed to be brutally crushed. 

Except, she continued on and gave him the best news one could ever hope for..because of the surgery our chances of having a baby NATURALLY just increased by 40%!! AHHHHH!!! AMEN! Instead of having a 20-30% chance we now have a 60-70%!

PURE JOY!!  Its comforting to know that GOD was closing my womb for the past 2.5 years and for a specific reason. I don’t know the reason (totally fine with that) or exactly when He will give us His baby, but I DO know that He has allowed a clear passage way now and when the timing is just perfect we will accept His blessing with grateful hearts!

“O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt You, I will give thanks to your name; For you have worked wonders, plans formed long ago, with perfect faithfulness.”

 -Isaiah 25:1

I want you all to know how faithful God is- His plans are unimaginable for us! Life is not easy, He never promised it would be, in fact, He has warned us of trials to come, so that we may guard our hearts and daily seek the true comforter of peace, Jesus Christ.

“For I know the plans that I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord..

-Jeremiah 29:11-14

“Do not be afraid of sudden fear nor of the onslaught of the wicked when it comes; for the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being caught.”

Proverbs 3:25-26

 We will continue to patiently wait upon the Lord!

Another negative test..

This morning when I received another negative test result my flesh instantly wanted to let the anger rise inside my soul, feed the fear of time running out for me and our parents and their chance to be able to spend time with their grandchildren, and just break down and cry. However, the spirit had a different plan. 

After cooking Danny’s breakfast and seeing him off to work I decided to snuggle up in my blankets and read God’s word. Though I am still getting through Jeremiah, I decided to read Hebrews. As I began to read Chapter 12 my heart started to melt as I was reminded of the horrible death Jesus endured for me (and you too), His everlasting and sacrificial love, and His dedication to continually work on my heart. I then realized that this time of waiting is also a time of discipline.

“Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surround us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin; and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons, ‘my son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor faint when you are reproved by Him; for those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, and He scourges every son whom He receives.’ It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and no sons. Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.”

-Hebrews 12:1-11

“Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus…But He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His Holiness…All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.”

This is so beautiful to me. God knows we desire to raise His baby and He has the perfect baby for us. Knowing He is disciplining us in order to prepare us is so peaceful.  I now know I must take joy in His discipline and be thankful because without it I would not have the assurance of His love. Furthermore, I wouldn’t be the mom He needs me to be to the perfect t baby He is holding in His hands for us.

I love you Jesus, always!!

Tears, Joy, And Learning

As of today, November 4, 2011, Danny and I have been trying for over a year to have a baby.

This journey has been filled with tears, joy, and learning.

Who would have ever thought that after trying to prevent pregnancy during my "Pre-Christ" years that when I actually want a baby, I can't. I never imagined that I would want something so bad and experience so much pain in not receiving it. Month after month, one negative pregnancy result after another, it seemed almost cruel that the Lord in heaven who knows my hearts desire would not give me a baby.  I would wonder why some people who don't want babies, get pregnant, people who "hate" kids, get them and all the other scenarios one could think of.

It wasn't until September of this year that I decided to thank God for not giving us His baby yet. It wasn't an easy thing to do and I had many mixed thoughts and questions leading up to submission. If I really give this to God what if He doesn't have a baby in His plan for us? What if we wont get His baby for another couple years? Why doesn't God think we are ready?
Philippians 4:6-7 says, Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God and the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
After many months of wrestling with God about His plan for Danny and I, I gave Him my desire and let my requests be known to Him.

During the entire month of October Danny and I, our family, and a few dear friends of ours prayed fervently that God would entrust His baby to us. I knew He could do it, even though the odds weren't in our corner (I was in Cali, during ovulation). Although, I struggled with the fear of being disappointed until my dear friend sent me a text saying, "God would rather that you BELIEVE in His power and ability and desire to do it(give us His baby)..than discount all faith so that you don't get 'hurt again' " Later that week she sent another text saying,
It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed  -Deuteronomy 31:8

This verse along with the other powerful messages I read during my morning readings really prepared me for yesterday. Yesterday was the first day of my dot. My first reaction was, It's okay God, I know you have a perfect plan and the perfect baby waiting for us. Then as I was driving to pick up Danny from work I broke down in tears. I have never really broke down in front of Danny about our situation, since I felt like I needed to be strong for us and I didn't want him to think I don't trust God. I wasn't too sure how he would respond, but his compassion through words and touch made me fall deeper in love. He was the best person to have by my side at that very moment and I am so thankful that God allowed him to choose me to be his life partner. The rest of the night I kept in prayer, as I was cooking dinner, and throughout the night when I would wake.

This morning I am feeling full of joy and hopeful for this month. Knowing that His plan is the best plan and He is the potter and I am His clay. I don't know when he will give us His baby, but I do know He is continuing to shape and discipline Danny and I in preparation to entrust His baby to us.
 Then the word of the Lord came to me saying, "Can I not, O house of Israel, deal with you as this potter does?" declares the Lord. "Behold, like the clay in the potter's hand, so are you in My hand, O house of Israel." -Jeremiah 18:5-6

And you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons, "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor faint when you are reproved by Him; for those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, and He scourges every son whom He receives."  -Hebrews 12:5