Tears, Joy, And Learning

As of today, November 4, 2011, Danny and I have been trying for over a year to have a baby.

This journey has been filled with tears, joy, and learning.

Who would have ever thought that after trying to prevent pregnancy during my "Pre-Christ" years that when I actually want a baby, I can't. I never imagined that I would want something so bad and experience so much pain in not receiving it. Month after month, one negative pregnancy result after another, it seemed almost cruel that the Lord in heaven who knows my hearts desire would not give me a baby.  I would wonder why some people who don't want babies, get pregnant, people who "hate" kids, get them and all the other scenarios one could think of.

It wasn't until September of this year that I decided to thank God for not giving us His baby yet. It wasn't an easy thing to do and I had many mixed thoughts and questions leading up to submission. If I really give this to God what if He doesn't have a baby in His plan for us? What if we wont get His baby for another couple years? Why doesn't God think we are ready?
Philippians 4:6-7 says, Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God and the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
After many months of wrestling with God about His plan for Danny and I, I gave Him my desire and let my requests be known to Him.

During the entire month of October Danny and I, our family, and a few dear friends of ours prayed fervently that God would entrust His baby to us. I knew He could do it, even though the odds weren't in our corner (I was in Cali, during ovulation). Although, I struggled with the fear of being disappointed until my dear friend sent me a text saying, "God would rather that you BELIEVE in His power and ability and desire to do it(give us His baby)..than discount all faith so that you don't get 'hurt again' " Later that week she sent another text saying,
It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed  -Deuteronomy 31:8

This verse along with the other powerful messages I read during my morning readings really prepared me for yesterday. Yesterday was the first day of my dot. My first reaction was, It's okay God, I know you have a perfect plan and the perfect baby waiting for us. Then as I was driving to pick up Danny from work I broke down in tears. I have never really broke down in front of Danny about our situation, since I felt like I needed to be strong for us and I didn't want him to think I don't trust God. I wasn't too sure how he would respond, but his compassion through words and touch made me fall deeper in love. He was the best person to have by my side at that very moment and I am so thankful that God allowed him to choose me to be his life partner. The rest of the night I kept in prayer, as I was cooking dinner, and throughout the night when I would wake.

This morning I am feeling full of joy and hopeful for this month. Knowing that His plan is the best plan and He is the potter and I am His clay. I don't know when he will give us His baby, but I do know He is continuing to shape and discipline Danny and I in preparation to entrust His baby to us.
 Then the word of the Lord came to me saying, "Can I not, O house of Israel, deal with you as this potter does?" declares the Lord. "Behold, like the clay in the potter's hand, so are you in My hand, O house of Israel." -Jeremiah 18:5-6

And you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons, "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor faint when you are reproved by Him; for those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, and He scourges every son whom He receives."  -Hebrews 12:5