The Lord had kindly asked me to give up social media for 30 days. I was a little reluctant bc I knew that my online business was supported by social media and was a little concerned it would be negatively impacted. {Hind sight- how dumb to think that God was asking me to fast for Him in order to cause anything negative. Even if it did negatively impact my business, God would have purposed that for something greater.}
Giving into His request I began my 30 day fast on May 27th. The Lord didn’t waste anytime, He got right to work on some pretty deep issues. The biggest one being fear- On May 30th I found a lump on my breast. I wish I could say that I immediately gave it to the Lord and was okay, but it was actually quite the opposite. I found the lump at 2 or 3 in the morning while nursing Rae and wasn’t able to go back to sleep due to fear. I text my dear friend and doctor at 5am and explained what I found. She knew that I tend to let fear control me so she scheduled me for an appointment that day. As I kept seeking the Lord I knew He was trying to work something out in me. I didn’t know if it was to go through cancer as a way to live out my faith or if it was to learn to find peace in Him in all circumstances.. or perhaps both. All I know is that I was constantly battling my flesh.. battling the whispers from the enemy, I knew I had to battle because if I gave in to those thoughts Satan would win, so I was determined to continue to fight. I knew that whatever was to happen, I needed to fight this time and not be crushed by fear. When we got to the appointment later that day our doctor determined that it was best to get a mammogram. I remember asking her if it could be bad and she responded, yes it could be bad, but that's why Im getting you in soon. Being the kind and compassionate women she is, she tried to get me a mammogram scheduled that evening but wasn’t able to because of how late it was. I was scheduled for the next day and was sent home. I had reached out to a few close friends of mine asking for prayer. One close friend wrote me back saying that the Lord has shown her a word and it said benign. Believing that she would not speak something like that on her own authority, I held that close to my heart. I wish that I could say that now I was able to put all my fear thoughts to rest... knowing that the Lord has specifically spoken that over my life. But yet again, like Thomas, I let fear creep in and again had to go to battle. I will say, however, that I actually did a lot better than I would have normally done. For instance, I was actually able to get some rest that night and didn’t wake up with an empty stomach feeling. Every time I did wake up I would recite a few verses and go back to sleep. As the sun began to rise I got up and started my day. My neighbor and sweet friend came by for coffee and I shared with her what was going on. Being the awesome person she is, she asked to feel it, lol. And her knowing me so well knew that I’d say, yes. When I began to look for it, I noticed that it was smaller and I could actually move it, which both my doctor and I couldn’t do the day prior. I had this sense of peace come over me and really felt like the Lord had healed me and was showing me a piece of His mighty power. The time came to head to the mammogram and I carried my peace with me and of course a little bit of that pesky fear too (still battling). I was originally scheduled for a mammogram but bc I was still breast feeding they suggested I get an ultrasound done. The tech who performed the ultrasound was so sweet. She had a southern accent and she just made you feel this sense of comfort simply by her voice. She did her thing and left and I waited in that room for a good 6-10 minutes (felt like hours) by myself... lying down in the dark room. I remember the last prayer I said and it went like this.. Hey Lord, it’s me again (chuckle) I know you’ve heard my prayers and the prayers of my sweet friends. I know that whatever happens I WILL be okay and I’m asking you one last time to please let this NOT be cancer. He responded with... you will smile soon. A couple minutes later the tech came back in and said, the doctor reviewed your ultrasound and it’s just a cyst. I could have screamed!! I was elated. THANK YOU JESUS! I couldn’t wait to tell Danny and all those who prayed for me. It was a very sweet moment. Danny and I basked in The Lords goodness over the next couple days. I didn’t think anything could top that. I remember thinking wow what an incredible story we get to share after our 30 day fast is finished. Well, on June 22nd we found out we were pregnant!! What?! Are you serious Jesus!! We didn’t know if we’d be able to have another baby bc of how long it took with Rae, but God, in His goodness, decided we could be parents again to another one of His sweet little babes!! How sweet to find out during our 30 days too. What a gift!!! After a few days when the dust from that had settled a bit, we knew that there was another big task awaiting us that we had to figure out . We had been trying to decide whether or not to move to Houston, Tx and we needed to make this decision soon. (We had like two weeks) We had recently found out that two of our good friends were moving back to Oregon, which made staying in Oregon sound great. Yet, we had my brother and his family in Texas who we have been wanting to be near. We also had Danny’s family who we’ve basically lived with for the last 5 years and saying goodbye to them would be very hard. We really didn’t know what to do. A wise friend of mine said, God grows us the most in uncomfortable circumstances. Oregon would be safe, easy, comfortable, fun.. On the contrary, Texas would be charting in completely new territories and exploring an unknown land together. While to some that might sound fun, to me it sounded scary and uncertain. Going with the wise words of my sweet friend and the assurance God had given us we decided to make the big move and we booked our tickets on June 26th. We had nothing promised to us in Texas.. no job, no permanent home, no insurance.. nothing. I remember thinking woah...that is kind of scary. lol. Yet, I also remembered our good friend saying, you can easily trust that God created this universe, right? but then you doubt Him in the little things... like finding a job. That quickly put my fear to rest and made me look deeply at my faith. Fear is such an ugly and powerful thing. It's actually offensive to God, too. So many times in the Bible He tells us not to fear..mainly for our own benefit. I believe He knows how debilitating fear can be.. like the song goes- it can rob your rest, steal your happiness. I'm so thankful for those thirty days, for a richer union with our Lord, for more accounts of His faithfulness, for a deeper faith. Although, I'm continuing my battle with fear each day, I know that it has become smaller as I've allowed the Lord to become bigger. I'm still working on it and I will continue to until it's no longer a part of my story. As my 30 days came to an end, I kept thinking I really want to write this all out, so I could remember His faithfulness. What He brought us through and all the things I’m thankful for. However, I never found the time to until today...
I know God had shown me so much during those thirty days and much of it was to prepare me for this day. One of the hardest, yet sweetest, days of my life..
I went into my 12 week check up and the tech was waiting for me to get an ultrasound. I was ready to tell her that I only wanted them to use the doppler bc I am not a fan of ultrasounds early on and I’ve had to already get two. Before I could speak she told me that she was going to preform a transvaginal ultrasound. I immediately said, oh no, I don’t want another one, I'm sorry. She went on to explain why they do them and that she was specialized in her field and it would be safe. Reluctantly, I agreed and she began the ultrasound. I got to see our sweet little baby and it’s tiny face, arms, hands, ears, and feet. She even took a 3D ultrasound so I could see the baby so clearly!! The ultrasound was a lot quicker than I anticipated but I got dressed and headed to wait for the doctor. As I sat there waiting I remember thinking that it was strange that I didn’t get to hear the heartbeat. When the doctor came in, she asked if she could sit next to me. At that moment, my heart sank.. I knew this wasn’t normal protocol. She went on to tell me that our sweet little love no longer had a heart beat. Tears filled my eyes and I wanted to just disappear from that room. I wanted to erase that conversation from time. In my deep despair I heard God's voice and He reminded me of a sweet vision He gave me the day before. Four white birds flying together.. playing in the sky. Now, for this to make any sense to you I have to tell a story. Six years ago after my mom went home to the Lord, I was sitting outside on my dads back patio and I saw three white birds flying around. The Lord showed me that as a picture of my Mother, my niece Ry, and my own baby, all who were in heaven, now playing and chasing each other. It brought me so much joy and peace in that moment and has stuck with me since. I’ve actually seen three white birds a few time since then and I smile each time bc I know that is Gods way of reminding of me they are all safe with Him..free, playing, and having fun.
Well the day before my ultrasound I saw four white birds flying in the bright blue sky playing together. I thought.. hmm that’s strange there are four now.
In one of my darkest moments, God came through so BIG and reminded me of that vision from the day before. He told me that the fourth was our baby. That He has him now and that it’s going to be okay. I felt this sense of peace I can’t explain. As much as I want to hold that sweet baby in my arms, to smell its newborn scent, to kiss his little cheeks and sleep with him every night, I know God has other plans. He allowed us to be with baby Arrow for 12 weeks and we even have a 3D picture to frame and keep with us forever. I know we are not promised tomorrow with anyone or anything, so I am just going to choose to thank God for my time with Arrow and know that one day, I WILL see our baby again. My heart will still ache I know, but I am trusting in His goodness. The goodness He revealed, not only during my 30 day fast, but during my 35 years of existence here on earth. Lord- you are so good. Thank you for baby Arrow, thank you for allowing me to carry him and thank you for another baby I get to kiss when I get home one day.
God is so good you guys. Through the good, the bad, and the ugly... He is good.
Here is a pic of our sweet Arrow. We love you so much baby!!
